apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame

August 1st, 2022

• see apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame for my current best articulation of this

Podcast summaries

• Keywords: NNTD, Home, everyone will constantly point out ways in which things are incomplete, Learning how to trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too, community, what might a healthy community look like?, complaints are sacred: how we affirm our values, protectiveness is damage control, defensiveness = protectiveness, Everyone is basically living in a dream mashup of their current external situation & old emotional meanings, sometimes things need to be said even though they feel like they really really should go without saying, What is Blame?, everything makes sense, there's no way to communicate correctly or incorrectly - there's just what works in context and what doesn't work, apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame, power dynamics

• 40:04 - 56:41 - Forgiveness and blame in relation to re-establishing trust. Examples from personal situations. What is Blame?, everything makes sense, there's no way to communicate correctly or incorrectly - there's just what works in context and what doesn't work, apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame, building trust out of distrust, blindspot feedback is hard (but possible!)
  • 44:41 - M > I don't even know if this is what I was gonna say, but it's relevant enough and it fits a slot. So, there's a thing where, you know, when people ask each other when... when one person says to another, "Hey, you did a thing that hurt me," it's very easy to feel like your only responses in that moment are to say, "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry, I won't do it again," or "I'll try really hard not to do it again." Or, alternatively, you might say, "No, I didn't." You might say, either, "You're not actually hurting the way you think you were" or, "Like, I didn't actually do the thing you think I did," or, "Yes, I did the thing, but you shouldn't feel hurt about it because of reasons X, Y, Z". Or you might say, "Look, yeah, you got hurt, but I couldn't do anything other than what I did, given what you did." Or you might say something like... I mean, there's various other soft, more subtle ways of deflecting, like saying something like, "Whoa, why are you blaming me?" Right? Which, on its own, is like, well, yeah, maybe the person's engaging in blame as a structure. But if you don't actually address that, like separate from the blame element of what they're saying -they're trying to tell you about, about something that's not working- so if you don't actually address that, structurally, then that will also produce a sense of their concern of not feeling heard. It turns out, I think, in most cases, except for anything really simple, in most cases, the thing that is actually most mature to say in that situation is, "I hear that I hurt you. I don't fully understand why my behavior hurt you in the way that I did." Although maybe I mostly understand that, like, often that part's pretty clear. "But then, I also don't understand why I did what I did. Like, I actually genuinely don't know what generated that behavior in me. And until I understand it, I'm probably going to keep doing this thing. So I want to learn to do something different, but I actually don't know what that's going to take. And in the meantime, how do we design our interactions to minimize that damage? Or is this a kind of thing that's an issue but is not like a big issue, and you're willing to sort of be with me in my learning process through that?" We have no idea how to say that, like, that's the whole level under the taboo, you pointed out of being able to say, "I don't trust you."

December 26th, 2021

• this is relevant to thanking at whatever point I might write something up about that, and also feels relevant to the apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame thing
  • twitter.com/rmpars/status/1475148366166171648
  • twitter.com/rmpars/status/1475153648816517122
  • > I can't recommend enough the habit of being specific about what you're thanking someone for, every time
  • > Name the love the people around you bring into the world NAME IT OUT LOUD
  • > also if u want, try naming things in ways that reveal the truth worth thanking
    
    thanx for giving me a ride home ➡️ thanks for taking time to help me get home safe
    
    thanks for sharing food ➡️ thanks for helping me stay nourished n happy

post-blame apology

• apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame
  • (this should maybe just be the blog post title)

• (huh, if I were actually writing the thing in this format though, I'd want it to embody this very principle of apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame)

Sequence on NNTD

• apologize in the other person's frame; forgive in your own frame