January 25th, 2021
- okay seems like an important word
- Zvi Mowshowitz has done an interesting deconstruction here
- it's very different than what I would write, but it's a good starting point probably
- This actually makes a fuckton of sense, because...
- my experience doesn't contradict your experience!
- my experience makes sense of my behavior!
- unlike facts, or values, that can seem to be in direct conflict, my experience itself does not conflict with yours
- my interpretation of it might contradict some interpretation of yours (or even imply you couldn't possibly have had an experience you know you had, which is a mess)
- but the experience itself just exists and somehow needs to be reconciled with the relevance and significance of other peoples' experience
- this is "of course you would do that"
- cf "levels of reconciliation" tweet
- there's a sense in which we all have the same set of objective facts, even if we disagree on what we are
- whereas sharing a subjective reason gives plenty of space for you to say "oh of course you'd see it that way, given your experiences; I still don't really see it that way myself, given mine."
- cites
- J. L. Kalla, D. E. Broockman, Reducing exclusionary attitudes through interpersonal conversation: Evidence from three field experiments. Am. Polit. Sci. Rev. 114, 410–425 (2020).
- > "One large-scale study found that narratives, when paired with nonjudgmental listening, can shift views on contentious issues"
- Cool tool for helping you troubleshoot having hurt someone. Haven't explored in much depth but it got recommended in Kevin Kelly's recommendo newsletter: post-blame NNTD
- Am I part of the problem?
- I just discovered this interactive (and empathic) tool that will walk you through how to apologize. It also helps you understand the difference between intent and impact and the different ways you can make amends — direct, indirect or by example. It's not designed to make you feel better about yourself, but instead is a useful practice in accountability. — CD
- and looking at it briefly I was broadly encouraged
- > Nonetheless, I not infrequently regretted the lengths I’d gone to in resolving certain situations, especially those involving conflict. But then I also felt I’d done the right thing, regardless of the cost, so I never felt a need to examine those regrets, or to question my behavior.
- This is a very interesting bit related to post-regret. Points at the role of healthy regret, and the idea that if one's mind is dwelling on some decision or situation in a regretful way, then there may be something important to learn from that past thing, even if the regret energy itself is unhelpful.
- > By always attempting to defuse rather than resolve her anger, I failed to ever understand what the source of that anger really was. For 30 years I kept asking her to explain her anger to me so I could change, but anger just doesn’t work that way.
- > To me at least, that explains why our many arguments and discussions never led to true resolution, and kept repeating themselves for decades. Giving way can never lead to resolution. Resolution would have required both of us to stand our ground, rather than my acquiescence and
attempts to placate. It would have required both of us to be willing and able to push when we needed to, and to push back when pushed, until we both became clear where we each stood, and why. That would have allowed us to come to a place of mutually acceptable compromise,
acceptance of our differences, and a healthy loving relationship between two well-differentiated
individuals.- Really great articulation of a NNTD-related thing
- Re other potential Goal-Crafting Intensive content/exercises
- could be a cool thing on slingshots / indirect approaches