yeah, it's more like, for me, I often love having my music quite loud, and I know that this sometimes impacts others in ways they don't want, so what I want is my music to be as loud as it can be without bothering people. But since by default I only have access to my end, which says "fuck I love this music blasting in my face" and I don't actually know what others' thresholds are, there's a sense of like...
...I don't know whether turning it up another notch bothers people or has any effect on them at all, but I do know that it sounds AWESOME to me, so I'm like "well, imma turn up the fishy k?"
And I could try to compensate for that, and obviously I do somewhat - like in Oct 2017 when everyone was out of the house, I played music way louder than I do when people are in the house. But in the absence of calibration & other information, I either need to take a loss to my own enjoyment without knowing it's going to benefit anyone else... or I can do something I know is gonna be awesome for me, and hope that someone will let me know if it's not awesome for them. And I do a mix of these, although of course then other people don't know when I'm taking a loss to my own enjoyment that's unnecessary! So because I care about others' experiences, I can better care for my own experience more effectively if I know more about others' needs.
I'm recognizing though that in relation to the thing I articulated last night about "distrust" being "not trusting that our We system will effectively care for my needs", that other people may experience my music behavior "in the meantime" as being evidence that I don't care about them or am not trust-able to coordinate with around this. Though the same is true in reverse—my system says "look, if you won't tell me when the music doesn't work for you, I'm going to use the data I do have detailed & consistent access to, which is my own enjoyment, and not try to compensate for you". This can be read through the lens of a power struggle, which I think other people do sometimes and I think my system does sometimes too.
But maybe elucidating stuff on this level will create a lot more space for it to not feel like a power struggle, even though it's somewhat of a rivalrous resource (in the sense that my music can't be both loud & quiet at the same time, barring headphones, better insulation, etc, which are options but have their own costs.) And ofc there could be a net conclusion between 2 people that says "we don't want to live/work in the same space unless there's better sound insulation"