January 13th, 2023
- collecting tips on hosting dinner parties
- meta:
- seems to me that having a starting point from which to iterate is hugely valuable for this sort of thing
- hardest part is hosting one
- 2nd hardest part is hosting two
- something like that
- (given that someone has enough social capital & general competence to be able to do a thing given a rough template)
- from Andrew Rose & Priya Rose
- from tweets by Andrew & DMs w Priya
- re getting started
- first one had just like 6 people
- if ppl know it's every week and feel comfortable bringing friends it can grow exponentially
- we used partiful from pretty early on (as soon as we discovered it)
- > The most important thing is "don't quit", so we're intentionally lazy and simple, otherwise we wouldn't be able to keep it up.
- > we have a loose theme each dinner
- > capacity is capped at 30
- > gender ratio is loosely managed
- > we do lightning talks
- (priya says this is just sometimes)
- re weekly
- > yeah i agree, i was hesitant about weekly and am more likely to suggest canceling any given week, but usually andrew convinces me not to. for neighborhood stuff it's been great tho. you meet so many ppl in nyc and it's amazing to be able to invite them to something else that week. it makes it easier to "convert" strangers into friends, collaborators, roommates. bring 'em into the social scene
- > yeah, although there's a natural cadence too. like a lot of our friends only come every few weeks. every week is hard to swing if you're far away or you work on mondays. also there's a lot going on in nyc so you might be invited to something else sunday, and since we host so often it's no big deal if you skip sometimes
- re timing/structure
- me: do you time the food to arrive at the very beginning of the event, or a bit later once more people have trickled in?
- P > No, the event starts at 6 in winter or 7 in summer. Food usually arrive around 8:30
- we do have snacks out before then: usually apples, cheese, popcorn, stuff like that
- re food
- > we just order thai food and give our venmos if ppl want to donate. but we definitely end up subsidizing the thai food every week
- (seems like this is because they're only asking for $7 donation and obviously dinner costs more than that these days)
- me > does the thai food ordering involve people putting in requests then, given that they're already there?
- > no, we don't ask people for orders. We chose Thai food cuz its a friendly cuisine for almost everyone. Most dishes are naturally dairy and gluten free. And we order half vegetarian, half meat. Usually we get noodles, fried rice, and somw curries
- remarks from Priya Rose
- re themes
- > i always choose a "theme" just for the sake of the partiful, but sometimes the themes are really abstract and there's no accompanying talks
- > we've also played around with doing games or other stuff
- > or if it's someone's bday we'll make it a bday celebration
- re talks
- variations:
- spur of the moment lightning talks
- (timed 3-5min talks with minimal prep)
- a few planned speakers on a theme
- > the planned talks were a huge game changer, i think they're what made sundays move from just an event to something special. usually people mingle for 1-2 hours first and can talk about whatever, although already ppl start talking about the topic since it's top of mind...which leads to more interesting or new conversations than sans topic
- > then for the talks, the whole party all gets together. so during and after the talks, suddenly everyone has tons of shared context. this helps new people feel included, get to know the lay of the land etc. the party vibes always change in really amazing ways after the talks
- > also some of our friends have just given wildly interesting talks. most weeks they're not prepared ahead of time, it's really just giving them a venue to talk about whatever weird things they're into or are on their minds. some weeks we do set a theme and have ppl prepare ahead of time, but the talks are still casual
- > also pre-setting talks means we have a good mix of men and women speak, ime. men are more comfortable giving spur of the moment lightning talks in mixed gender groups, so sometimes impromptu talks can end up being just men
- re "dinner"
- me > what are the starts of the events like? when I think "dinner party" I think of a bunch of people sitting down at the same time at a table, maybe even some equivalent of grace (I like to thank the supply chains, personally)... but at 30 people that's not really realistic. maybe it was more like that when it was only 6 tho?
- > no it was never like that. "dinner party" is just a psy-op cuz we live in NYC which more heavily relies on drinking culture than SF. so it's really called that so ppl come in thinking that it's NOT a drinking party, and imagining maybe red wine at most. but really it's a mingle / hangout party for the most part
- example events
- I asked, Romeo Stevens answered:
- it seems to me that there are sort of a few things being meant by "spiritual bypassing":
- using [your ability to experience the reality that in some sense everything is okay] to avoid dealing with the sense in which problems are still problematic
- kind of like I talked about with Ryan T last night
- and he seemed to indicate it could sort of happen in a non-justifying sort of way
- interestingly, this also seems related to my post-regret post...
- and insofar as there was something missing there, it was kind of doing this bypassing
- book Spiritual Bypassing says
- > the use of spiritual beliefs to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs
- > psychological issues often masked as spirituality, including self-judgment, excessive niceness, and emotional dissociation
- mistaking the finger for the moon / using spiritual language & conceptual understandings to rationalize stuff or to seem (to yourself or others) like you're doing something spiritually that you're not actually doing
- identifying with your sense of spirituality / getting fixated on measurements of spiritual attainment as meaning something significant
- (is this different from the previous one?)
- (I think this one could be described as being more about oneself, the previous one more about one's practices)
- > Fixating on an experience or state or concept as an goal in a way that suppresses what's trying to emerge into being known.
- (source)
- this is slightly different from the previous two although related
- if you combine a bunch of these you get the "good vibes only" version
- which is sort of about appearances but probably involves repressing probleminess rather than actually experiencing deep okayness
- okayness conditional on good vibes, not unconditional okayness
- > Always focusing on positivity at the expense of looking at your shadows and overcoming them, which is real (spiritual) growth.
- (source)
- I might reframe this somehow but I'm not sure how yet
- some other links
- > Can we be with our own pain, fully, without "Tomorrow-ing" it? Can we be with others' pain, as best we can, without shoving promises/expectations onto it? Can we stop gift-wrapping the Mystery, the fear, our present––covering it up somehow, as if that will make it better?
- fear & heartbreak as well
- it seems like if I'm keeping myself from feeling my own background pain, in an ongoing way, that might have a similar sort of effect, or something
- what is being referred to here?
- Yatharth asks "What is spiritual bypassing to you?"
- interesting take
- other interesting take
- podcasts
- Sam Harris talked about removing the streaks from the Waking Up meditation app to prevent people fixating on legible metrics
- ~"you shouldn't be asking if you're meditating every day. you should be asking if you're meditating every moment"